There's something I see all the time in the sexuality world that irks me.
It's this narrative: "if you know your body, then you can just tell your partner what you like, and then you'll be having orgasmic sex in no time."
This is one of those narratives no one questions because–well, yeah, that seems to make sense on paper. If I know how to self-pleasure and what makes me orgasm, I should be able to tell my partner, right? Step 1 naturally leads to step 2.
Welp, no, it doesn't always work like that.
What we're missing here is a fuck ton of nuance.
Having an orgasm isn’t that simple.
Orgasms happen when our nervous systems feel safe.
For many of us, safety is easier to access when we are self-pleasuring than with a partner.
It's also not that simple to speak what you need, or show someone how you self-pleasure. Knowing your body draws from one set of skills. Intimacy draws from another.
Knowing your own body is wonderful and it is missing for a lot of women.
I'm a huge fan of knowing your anatomy and playing with different elements of self-pleasure, so that you can make yourself come and have an idea of what you like during sex.
AND
you can know your body and simply not be able to express what you want.
A lot of us experience freeze in sex.
We experience trauma responses that keep us from being verbal.
We can go blank, or feel swept up in the moment, unaware that we have choice in every moment during sex.
We have codependent or people pleasing patterns that literally keep us from realizing that sex is full of places where we might stop or pause a partner. Sometimes we can't even access that something different could happen in the moment. That we could ask for something another way.
So, when people act like just speaking up during sex is easy ...
or like knowing what we want during a sexual situation is easy ...
it's not for some of us, because trauma.
Because nervous systems. Because deep ingrained patterns around trying to keep ourselves safe by remaining quiet.
If you go into a sexual situation like "this is the time! this is the time I'm going to tell them exactly what I want and not get swept away into their speed and flow!" And then beat yourself up because you couldn't seem to find yourself in the moment ...
I want to say, I see you. I feel you. I've been there.
Try to be gentle with yourself. It's deep work. It takes a lot of slowing down during sex, and conversations before sex.
If you're frustrated that you're not getting what you want during sex, that you can't speak up during, try speaking up before sex. One thing that can help is creating a system together.
Creating some kind of non-verbal system, or safe word, can give you more safety during sex, and bolster your ability to express more as time goes on.
Try talking it out at a time when you're not being sexual, letting your partner know what's true for you.
What's true for me is I can't feel myself or my wants sometimes, and that I'll let something hurt if I think it means pleasure for my partner. And the truth is: men generally don't want this. They don't want you to endure or tolerate pain. If you talk to a good man about it, they will be aghast. That's because they've never tolerated pain during sex. It's usually a bit beyond them that it's even a possibility.
A system I like is: a tap out. Two fast, intentional taps on the shoulder means "that hurts." Because somewhere I'm frozen, somewhere I can't even say "ow." Somewhere I'm ashamed I need to say ow. So two taps, and he'll pause and check in with me.
Perhaps your situation is different: maybe you're not tolerating pain, but perhaps you notice you allow penetration before you're ready, or you're tolerating a position you don't love, just because you think they enjoy it.
Another exercise that can help: agree that the next time you have sex, you'll ask for one thing you want, sometime during the experience, just as an experiment (if it feels safe and accessible - and if you find you can't find your voice here, consider seeing a therapist or guide for support). Ask for one pause as well, which means, saying "pause" and stopping all the action, taking a moment to come back to yourself, and seeing where you are. Do you want to continue with the same speed, position, type of stimulation? Would you like to stop, cuddle, or move to another type of touch? Can you own what you want here, even if it's different than what your partner wants in this very moment?
These systems can help you build trust and intimacy, and create safer, sexier conditions and more win-wins for both of you. These agreements can bring you closer to a space of thawing, where you might be able to just say, "that hurts." Where you might be able to say "this time I want this." Where you might be able to feel yourself inside the experience, and share what you need/desire.
If you need help creating a system for you and your lover(s), just drop me a line.
Photo by Annie Spratt on Unsplash