Self-pleasure doesn't have to look like mainstream porn. It's one option, but it's not the only option. The masturbation we see in mainstream porn follows the biological male arousal pattern. Meaning: many people with penises get fully aroused (full engorgement) in 30 seconds - 2 minutes. Meanwhile, the bio-female arousal pattern looks different. It takes a full 30-45 minutes for full genital engorgement, lubrication, and therefore arousal.
Breast massage gives you a relationship with your breasts, one that you cultivate from the inside out. This is your time to connect with your heart, with your nipples, and with any sensations or numbness there. This is your time to connect with the energy in your breasts, to give them acceptance and love, and to really make peace with them. Massaging your breasts leads to acceptance and compassion—and fuller, perkier breasts are the cherry on top.
Above all, a healthy sexuality isn’t boring—it can take you to greater heights of pleasure than you've ever experienced. When your sexuality is aligned in your own Truth, it doesn't come with feeling bad after sex or self-pleasure. It feels pure, unfettered and clean, but not in the way we're used to using those words. You can still be having anal sex, or exploring spanking, and feel pure, unfettered and clean. It's about full consent from you and a partner, and being your full Self in sex.
So, here’s what Truth actually is: truth is a felt-sense in our own bodies. Truth is inner authority. For me, truth doesn’t come from an external source, even if that source went to medical school. Truth comes from my own experience. Outsourcing truth to a doctor, to a lover, to a parent, to a friend—that’s where we, historically, as women, lose our power, and fade into the background again, not trusting ourselves, our intuition, or our bodies.
Vulva mapping, or vaginal mapping, is an opportunity to have your genitals touched with total compassion, and with no agenda. It's a space where you can explore the history of your pelvis (from gynecological exams, to sex, to birth), and to share the stories that are being held there. It's a space of incredible slowness, rich with opportunity to negotiate consent, and practice your own boundaries. It's a space where your yoni can be honored, normalized, and freed from old stories, pain, and shame.
In fact, the first time I used my yoni egg, I found myself wondering if I’d been slipped MDMA.I felt tingling from my head to my toes. Each little sensation bloomed and escalated. Even my vision became different: hazy, diffused. I felt the edges of my body dissolve, and I was part of a watercolor painting. Even though I didn’t have a traditional climax (that 3-10 second “genital sneeze” we all strive for), that didn’t matter. There was no need for that. I was elevated, infused with bliss. I felt like I was making love with an invisible god. I felt like a goddess.
So here we are. Freshly (hopefully) healed from our infections and injuries. We undress each other: the room is soft music and candlelight. We’re on your bed, facing one another, sitting up, my legs over yours. I’m so aware of your skin, running my fingers over your arms, your legs, your back. Staying with your eyes, more so than I’ve ever been able to with anyone. We are both so totally here, and I’m amazed at how here I can stay with you.
The things we've suffered, to be touched.
Those of us who wanted it. Those of us with a natural bend toward lust, those of us who knew somewhere deep inside that sex could be more. Those of us who kept seeking sex, even in this world where overly-male sexuality is the norm and the standard. Even in this world where male sexuality covertly silences female sexuality.
Most women can't ask for what we want because we can't begin to communicate it. We've been conditioned to be good girls, and good girls don't ask for things. Take me: I've been self-pleasuring since I was five years old (once you accidentally discover orgasm by rubbing against the corner of a coffee table, you don't go back). You would think that I spent my twenties taking the driver's seat and telling men exactly what I wanted during sex. Yet I couldn't figure out how.
Yoni Massage is a conscious exploration of your yoni (the Sanskrit word for the vulva, vagina, and genital area). In yoni massage, we don't go in with the explicit objective of pleasure (although you may feel pleasure!). Instead, we are exploring what is present in the moment. Yoni massage is a powerful crucible for self-healing, where you can release memories and energies that are held in the tissue.