Keep Aphrodite In the Temple

Many women (and men, I'm sure) who identify as highly sexual have a bit of a problem. 

I'm just going to call it as I see it, as I used to be this way as well. In fact, when I'm ovulating, I can still see this shadow in myself.

The desire to be predatory, to own, to seduce.

Those of us who identify as highly sexual tend to leak our sexual energy all over everyone we see. We walk into a room, we survey for potential lovers, and we hone in on making them ours, no matter the cost, no matter who might be waiting for them at home. 

Sound familiar? 

For me, I was never much into married men or women, or those with partners. That's not to say it didn't happen. When you have sex as much as I used to, you're bound to accidentally catch a partnered lover or two. 

My exuberant, leaky sexuality caused problems in a few areas of my life.

From the time I was 17 until I was 33, I rarely had close girlfriends. Well, sometimes I would have one extremely close girlfriend, a relationship that bordered on sexual and quickly became the most important in my life. These relationships were very intimate: lovers without the sex. They always went up in flames, usually when I entered a relationship with a man and stopped showing up to the friendship in the same way I had before. 

During this time, I always wrote off not having female friends. I would say, "I guess women must feel threatened!" and laugh about it. But honestly, it's because I had no boundaries. Women did feel threatened. I walked into a room like the maneater I was and took what I wanted. I wasn't there to make friends. It was obvious (to everyone but me because unconscious)— I was there to take someone home. 

My lack of boundaries made my friendships with men weird too. I made out with men I just wanted to be friends with, because I could feel their attraction to me and feared losing their friendship if I didn't react in kind. I slept naked in bed with my close male friends after long nights of drinking, not understanding why their "insecure" girlfriends hated me. (Ew. Sorry, ghost girlfriends of BFFs past.)

I also sent naked pictures of myself to everyone and anyone. I probably sent some to your grandma. I couldn't seem to help myself. I now know I was asking for validation in any and all forms. Plus I love to be naked and to celebrate myself ... and I haven't always known the appropriate place to put that. (Okay, I still do this sometimes. I'm not fully reformed. I actually have a list of girlfriends who don't mind me sending nudes, so I can share without crossing lines. I recommend this practice; ask a friend who loves you and see if she'll be your extremely complimentary and heart-eyed emoji-dousing life-line!)

Basically, my identification as a "free" and "highly sexual" person made me a selfish dick.

I put myself in a different category than other people, and acted accordingly. They just didn't understand (whine). I was just so sex positive, and more open than everyone else. (Insert all the sarcasm.)

When I say, "Keep Aphrodite in the temple," I am referring to the goddess of love in all of us. Instead of allowing her to live as her shadow (greedy, take-whatever-I-want, leaking "love" all over everyone), find healthy boundaries that keep everyone safe and happy. 

Yes, be sexual, but also, be considerate.

Maybe don't send a nude to your good friend who has a new girlfriend. Let people fuck up their relationships all by themselves, ya know?

Try taking some time off from flirting, and the things you do to get affirming attention, like sexting, dating, and fucking. Who are you without the compulsion? Breathe, journal, and find out.

Explore tantric practices with yourself, making yourself and the Divine into your best lover.

Become less dependent on the external, on other, and find deep satisfaction and gratification in yourself. 

Explore your co-dependent tendencies, your unconscious daddy and mommy issues, your projections, and your patterns, so that you can become a better partner, and a playful, compassionate Aphrodite.

If you're polyamorous, question your motives, and don't use it as an excuse to be avoidant or selfish (ahem, like I did). Be poly because you're a communication and relationship master (ahem, I'm not). 

Be explicit and honest within your relationship, so that you can get the sexual attention you need without fishing for attention from others. 

Any tactics you've tried as you've moved from man-eater to a lovely, sexual god/goddess? Tell me about it in the comments.