Right now, I put touching oneself into three categories.
1. Masturbation. This is where we quickly get off quickly and habitually. We do what we learned when we were very young. It is a quick release of pent-up and uncomfortable energy, almost like maintenance.
2. Self-pleasure. This is a more languid approach to pleasure. This is where we turn pleasure into an experience of self-care. Perhaps we take a bath first, light candles, or put on our favorite sexy music. We might set an intention. We relax into our bodies, and try new touches like breast massage. We slow down and drop in.
3. Yoni massage. Yoni Massage is a conscious exploration of your yoni (the Sanskrit word for the vulva, vagina, and genital area). In yoni massage, we don't go in with the explicit objective of pleasure (although you may feel pleasure!). Instead, we are exploring what is present in the moment. Yoni massage is a powerful crucible for self-healing, where you can release memories and energies that are held in the tissue.
How to Give Yourself a Yoni Massage
Collect your supplies and set the scene.
Set aside a half hour to an hour to give yourself the massage. You'll want coconut oil (or another oil your yoni really likes—most lubes contain unnatural, inorganic ingredients that can be irritating), your clean fingers, and a soft nest to lie upon. Even if you usually use sex toys during self-pleasure, it's important to start with your hands with this work. The fingers give us good feedback. I like to light a candle and put on ambient, soft music like Kiasmos or Desert Dwellers. Keep a journal and pen nearby to jot down any insights during or after.
Set an intention or an invocation.
As you light your candle, think about anything you'd like to heal or draw in when it comes to your sex life. I might say something like,
(To get a free PDF of Yoni Massage Invocations, please sign up below.)
Begin by touching your body.
Use the oil and slowly give attention to your breasts, your belly, and your inner thighs. Don't rush. Experiment with different touches and pressures. Breathe deeply, and make sound when you need to. Don't focus on the sound being pretty or pornographic—the sounds help you release tension, and can range from moans to growls to sobs. Sound and breath can be immensely healing.
Move to your yoni.
As you feel ready, move your hands down to your vulva. Begin with slow, long strokes down the outer labia lips. Re-oil your fingers if you like. Move from the top of the outer lips, down past the vaginal opening, along the perineum and over the buttocks. Use these long, grounding strokes, with a comfortable amount of firm pressure, anytime you might feel anxiety, distraction, or too in-your-head.
Go slower than you think you should go.
Are you getting turned on and rushing to the next step? Or, are you rushing to the next step because you're uncomfortable or scared? Slow down. Breathe. Make sounds. And move your hands slowly, with intention. Feel each part of your yoni lips.
If you feel pain, numbness, or tension ...
Stop for a moment on the painful or numb area. Imagine you are giving yourself a trigger point massage. To release the pain point, take a deep breath, and press in on the spot as you release your breath. Again, go slow. Don't press too hard; press just hard enough to feel the release. As you do this, keep breathing, and push your pelvic floor muscles out a bit, as if you were birthing a baby. Again, all these movements are gentle, yet firm. Make sounds if you need to, and take note of any memories that are coming up.
If you experience painful memories ...
Some of us have trauma stored in our yonis. Even those of us who haven't been abused or assaulted. Sometime there is just a build up of energy, or perhaps we've had a lot of sex when our heads were ready, but our bodies weren't totally ready (many times this is experienced as a burning sensation in the yoni). If you experience painful memories, know that the work you are doing is bringing up what needs to be healed. If you need more support, don't hesitate to reach out.
If I am faced with the memory of a trauma, I allow myself to cry. I allow myself to back off if it's too intense. I move from touching my yoni to hugging myself and covering up, and giving myself deep compassion. I repeat the mantra, "I am safe in my home. It is 2018." It is helpful to orient this way, so that you are firmly rooted in the safety of the present moment.
(To get a free PDF of compassionate phrases and mantras you can say for self-soothing and comfort, please sign up below).
If you experience ecstatic pleasure ...
Keep going slow. Don't rush off into your usual self-pleasure or masturbation. Breathe deep, continue to make sounds, move your hips. Bring your hands back up your belly and massage your breasts. Envision moving the concentrated sexual pleasure up your body with your hands, spreading it out over your heart area. You may have an orgasm, of course, but do your best to relax into this massage, rather than push to a climax.
Go inside, if you are called.
Very slowly make your way inside of your vagina. To do this, first spend some time exploring your inner lips, and the entrance of your vagina. Now hold your finger at the entrance of your vagina. Ask your yoni, "Are you ready for me to come inside?"
Wait until you feel absolutely relaxed, and feel a whole-hearted "Yes!" from your body. If you do not hear or feel a yes, give your body the rest and respect she deserves. Be gentle with yourself and your timing. Don't go inside today. If you don't rush your body, she will trust you more and more, and be more open to pleasure and entry as time goes on.
Slow is the key.
Once inside, use the same trigger point therapy technique. Feel inside very slowly with your fingers. Imagine your vagina is separated into quadrants, and feel the bottom, the right side, the top, and the left. Move your fingers slowly up the bottom (the side that's closest to your butt), with plenty of lube. Feel for the sensations. Where is there pleasure? Where is there pain or numbness? When you encounter numbness or pain, pause, breathe, sound, and press. Just like a back massage (only don't go crazy with intense pressure—imagine you're massaging a tender someone who you deeply love).
Work your way up and around the quadrants of your vagina, going as far as your fingers can reach, or as far as you are comfortable. For some women it can be a bit queasy at first to feel inside the vagina. It can feel foreign, smushy, and have unexpected crevices and ridges. This is all normal. All of us have different shapes that depend on our unique pelvises, where are organs reside, and many other factors. Try not to be judgmental as you touch. Much of this queasy feeling is based on the deep shame women often feel around our genitals.
You can also try working internally with a yoni egg.
Working with the clitoris: Many of us have experienced pain around the clitoris. Mine is extra sensitive and I can't count the number of times I've jumped back from direct stimulation (a well-meaning tongue or finger can completely ruin my arousal, just by touching directly on instead of around).
When touching around the clitoris, use the same techniques. Go slow. Breathe, move your hips, make sounds. Use plenty of oil.
Working with the G-Spot: The G-Spot can hold a lot of pain or numbness. Often, the g-spot is stimulated and we think we have to pee, so we might shut off feeling to this area.
Go slow around your g-spot to bring back the pleasure it is capable of. The g-spot is on the front wall of your vagina (on the same side as your belly button). It is 1-3 inches inside the vagina, and will feel ridged, like your hard palate (go ahead and touch your tongue to the roof of your mouth behind your teeth). If you'd like to feel more pleasure in this area, give your g-spot some special love and attention during the yoni massage.
End with some self-love.
Close your exploration with one hand on your heart and one hand on your belly. Take deep belly breaths and acknowledge and honor yourself for the time and effort you've put toward self-healing. If you have time, do something nourishing for yourself, like take a hot bath, have an orgasm, or cuddle with a pet or loved one.
If you have any questions on the process, or you'd like to go deeper into sexual healing, please reach out. I'd love to help support you on your journey.